Mary Miller’s support group helps people handle grief

We often perceive others only on the surface, a part of a group or team, a familiar face expected to be seen in a certain setting, without thought of that person being considered as an individual.

Many who have taken for granted the presence of Mary Miller at a funeral of an acquaintance or a dearly beloved one, whether she is providing memorial service folders, taking care of the assorted details to ensure an inspirational, serene time of final goodbyes, or playing calming music and singing a meaningful song, do not have the opportunity to know that she is not only compassionate to your loss.

She can identify with the devastating grief mourners feel in a very personal way, because she has experienced, and had to cope with it, in her own life, so much so that she saw the need for a local grief support group.

Mary is a very warm, pleasant lady who is acquainted with both ends of the spectrum – birth and death. She is the daughter of Dr. and Mrs. Stanley Moore.

The late Dr. Moore delivered many babies during his prestigious practice as a medical doctor. Her mother, “Pinky” Moore, was a registered nurse, as is Mary.

As the wife of Mark Miller, she entered into a family business of funeral directors that spans 50 years. Her father-in-law, the late Mark Miller Sr. started Miller Funeral Homes. He was followed into the business by her husband, Mark, and their son, young Mark, is also continuing on in the family business.

Mary shared the story of the birth of Rainbow Reflections, a local grief support group.

“My husband and I lost our first child, a son, in 1964, and even with close family and a wonderful church family for support, I had a difficult time adjusting to loss,” she said.

“My feelings and emotions were in a turmoil, my life shattered. I spent hours rocking and holding his special blanket, touching the little clothes in his dresser drawers and leaving a light on in his room at night to keep the darkness out.

“At times, I thought was losing my mind, and at other times, I was hoping I would, so I wouldn’t feel the hurt and emptiness.

“I began writing down my feelings and how I managed to get through those dark days of grieving. I’m not sure why I kept all these notes, but for some reason, they were very important to me and something I couldn’t let go of.”

Many years later, Mary was approached by Billyanna Dugan, who shared with her the feeling there might be a need for a grief support group.

“Boy, could I relate,” Mary said. “God numbs us most of the time from the initial shock of the death and through visitation and the funeral, but what about the days that follow,” she said.

“I know how hard it was for me, and I have always been concerned about other survivors and how they cope following the loss of a loved one.”

She shared the thought with her church family, and with their encouragement and prayers, she traveled to St. Charles, Mo., for an interview with Betty Wilhelm, a coordinator for grief support groups in that area.

“Friends were saying we really need something like this. But I fought with it. I was a little apprehensive about it, because I didn’t want to do any more damage for anybody,” Mary said.

“I wanted be able to help, but feelings are so tender that you can (have the opposite effect). So, I was rather reluctant, but we finally went to visit a site down in Missouri.”

A Confirming Gift From God

Mary began the journey back home, excited, filled with plans, but also a little apprehensive.

“It was a typical winter day – gray, cold and rainy. The wind was terrible, and it had started to snow. Being the determined person that I am, nothing could dampen my spirit,” she shared.

“I weighed all the pros and cons about starting such a group and suddenly realized it would need a name. How would I ever find a suitable name that would express all I wanted to accomplish.

“We were tossing different ideas around in the car for a name. You know the old adage, ‘God works in mysterious ways?’

Well, He did.

“The sun popped out, and the reflection of the shadow of my car tuning down the highway caught my eye, and suddenly, off in the distant sky, a beautiful rainbow appeared. I said, ‘Guys, there it is.’ It seemed like God or a guardian angel was right there with us.”

Hence the birth of Rainbow Reflections.

“From that moment on, there was never any doubt in my mind that God was with me and would show me the way,” she said, “and being able to survive, being happy about things and going on with your life, is the pot of gold. Have you ever seen a rainbow in the middle of the winter?”

The grief support group has grown as people have become more aware of the group.

“We have had countless people attend from the surrounding area, all ages and walks of life, and many different denominations,” she said.

“It is wonderful to watch a group interact and reach out to each other, the compassion and true concern that is shared is a blessing to all who attend.”

Mary Miller, In Person

Mary confessed that oftentimes when she played the organ for services, people started to cry. Mary cried, too, in empathy, which created a problem. “When I cried, I couldn’t see the music to play the organ.”

She enjoyed her childhood and her grandparents’ farm. “It was my ‘Walton’s Mountain,’” she said. “It was a very simple life, with simple pleasures. I remember the hucksters coming around, and I remember getting in the wagon and going to town on Sunday.

“I remember my grandfather – he always called a car an automobile. I remember going through creek bottoms and washing out. We had to open the car doors, so the creek would go though them, then would have to go the next day and pull it out with the tractor.

“I can remember getting our socks with a hot brick in it and going upstairs to bed with it,” she said. “And then, there was the castor oil she (her grandmother) made us take every day. She made us take it right after the radio program, ‘Our Gal, Sunday.’

“It seems like yesterday, and they were such wonderful days – so simple. I remember putting the big tub out on the cistern and filling it full of water.

“We would draw straws to see who got to take a bath first. The sun would warm the water; there was no hot water in my grandparents’ house,” she said.

“I can remember picking a tomato, hot on the vine, and washing it under the cistern pump, then going all day with tomato seeds and juice hanging down your arm,” she said.

“We were happy as larks. I was very blessed to have those times. It was a very, very wonderful childhood.

But all experiences you have through life, you either learn to grow from them or you let them set you back and destroy you,” Mary said.

Those childhood memories, and her appreciation of them, have perhaps helped mold Mary Miller into the sympathetic, understanding and kind person she is today.

She feels that each individual handles grief differently. She understands that someone may suddenly be faced with a mountain of decisions and concerns, and they have no one to share them with.

She invites the public to join Rainbow Reflections, which meets every Tuesday from October through May. During the summer months, a coordinator is available for home visits.